not to fuck up the mojo or anything

but 155 sounds pretty damn good to me


Fireworks for Cali, because it is about fucking time.
And all together now with the WOO and the HOO!!!!!!

for some distraction....

moar funny pictures



Don't get too distracted, I'm trying to get pregnant here!

CD 12, high on old Clear Blue, crazy amounts of eggwhite CM and a bare smidge of hope for this Cycle of Almost Hopeless Last Chances, because very, very, very good things are happening at the very top levels of the IVP. Things that are not yet bloggable because I don't want to fuck with the mojo. But be joyous, my friends, good things are happening.

(shh...tiny link, so as not to fuck up the mojo)

how to be a good guest

• show up
• bring your nice bf
• spoil cats
• chat in bathroom while brushing teeth
• clip cats' claws
• pick up host from airport, thereby saving said host long, long nighttime drive
• make self at home
• leave delicious cookies
• love cats more than host does
• put up with rather large group of rather raucous company early xmas morning
• put on appropriate holiday themed music for aforementioned rather raucous company when host forgets that stereo exists
  
• talk in Cute Animal Voice™ to cats

Bonus:

• strip sheets from guest bed
• don't leave (please)

The Boston kids are leaving. *sigh*

good tidings of great joy

Home.

After a shitty, shitty Day O' Travel, I am home. And, thanks to my very own Boston Girl and Boy, the cats are happy and have been well-manicured in my absence.

And there is a fire and whiskey and friends over. And tomorrow there's folks coming for Breakfast Carbs and coffeez. Hooray and yay!

Merry, merry Everything to you, my friends.

the wagon

There's these folks in central va who have recently started roasting their own coffee, after years of running a coffee shop downtown. It's delicious, and their kids are fucking cute. Long ago, back in the day, my Seattle friend, the girl one, and I used to get coffee from them. So I thought it would be nice to bring a bag of their coffee out here with me. Here being Seattle, specifically the couch in apartment 304. Anyway. I was up with the new baby from a little before 5 on, so the other adults could get some real sleep in, and round about 7 (when it was still dark - wtf?) I scrounged around and found the press-pot and made some coffee. Oh, god - so good. Especially with cookies that some kind person had brought over.

You see, I've "given up" coffee in the name of ttc (don't laugh - it's sort of true). Several years ago, I picked up the Toves and Brill book at Babeland (yes, I bought a book about getting pregnant at a s.ex toy store) and one of the things they talk about is giving up coffee. So I did. It was easy. I'd always loved it, but never really *needed* it to wake up. Morning is great - who needs coffee? Really, giving it up was no big deal at first, but then, I started to miss it. Coffee is good, y'all. So good. I think I'll have another cup...... You, see? Fabulous. So I've been on and off coffee for a while now: I'll drink it pretty regularly when if I'm taking a break, but mostly I have green tea in the mornings (helpful for CM, or so say many of the Alterna-Fertility Sources) and a weekly treat of coffee plus the occasional other cup, say, if some kind soul brings us coffee at work or cho-girl needs an afternoon coffee date. I'd like to tell you that the result of all this is that I am now knocked up. But, no. The real result of all this abstaining is that I love coffee even more. And appreciate it. Absence, even just occasional absence, makes the heart grow fonder. And I am fond of you, dear, dear coffee. So fond of your deliciousness and bitter tastiness and fragrant steam. And yes, I will become one with you the whole fucking time I am in Seattle and it will be great. Great, I tell you.

Another libation I've given up - sort of - is alcohol. We'll say sort of because I only really abstain during the two week wait. Otherwise, I'll live it up. Well, not really, as my tolerance has dropped to the level of a giggling first year sorority girl. *sigh* But, as with coffee, the lack has lead to an even greater appreciation. A more full savoring, you might say. Whiskey - good stuff.

What's so fascinating about all this, if you're fascinated by the less-than intricate workings of my body and psyche, is that it become abundantly clear that I am not a teetotaler. Not in the literal/historic sense, nor in the figurative sense. I'm not really into doing or not doing *anything* religiously. I fascinate myself. Ha.

Also speaking of addiction, I have a real soft spot for my computer, which I am posting on as we speak! Any other posts or electronic communication has gone out by way of my friend's computer, which she is unendingly generous with, but I've missed my machine. One might say I've been going through withdrawal, or one might simply note the joyousness of our current reunion. As you know from previous posts, I've been unable to connect to the wireless network here for unknown reasons, but just now I found an unprotected one. In fact, the mainbody of this post was written 2 days ago. Thank you, oh trusting holder of the network zoom. Thank you.

Off to make some custard.

withdrawl and ratios

I've got a small bone to pick with Apple. Since I upgraded to the new OS, I can't seem to use my friends' secure wireless networks. Even after they give me the password. It's happened here in Seattle and, looking back, I wonder if that was what was going on in Boston. Anyway, I am stealing my friend's computer while she naps. With the baby and her husband. I am jonesing for my machine - I really, really miss the two-finger scroll. Not an Euphemism. I swear.

I've been IM-ing with Sophie, which is always entertaining, as it gives me a different, distanced sense of her. Not seeing her in front of me somehow lets me see her in a new light - she seems older, funnier. Minus the tweener-speak crap - "u" for "you" and that sort of shit. But really, y'all, the kid's a riot:

Sophie: i wrapped ur present 2day!!!

me: you mean, my pony?!

Sophie: uh yeah... (cough cough)

i needed sooo much wrapping papr to wrap it!!!

me: aw - i think i'll name it.....ummmm.....

paco!

paco the pony

is he cute?

say yes!

Sophie: hahaha

yeah totally....

me: thank god - i would give him back if he weren't cute

Sophie: paco the pony... real smart...

I'm always telling her I want a pony when she asks me what I want for my birthday or Christmas. I miss her a bunch. We always do run-of-the-mill holiday things once school ends, like walk downtown to look at the gingerbread houses and bake cookies and go to movies and lay around and read. But I'm not there. Oh, well - after I get home I'll get my fix.

In other, new baby news, things are good - we took Small Fruit Baby to the doctor today and she's gained 8 ounces since birth on Monday. Kid's a rock star. The birth was crazy intense, but things are as smooth as they can be now. Her daddy needs to write down her birthstory, because, god damn, the man can write. Other than the doctor outing, we're doing a lot of nothing - laying around eating, cooking and tidying (2 of my faves!), passing the baby, trying to convince her that day is day and night is night. I am more and more convinced that a ratio of 3:1 is perfect for newborns.

Oh! And? I drove! In a strange city! And did not get lost or scared!

oo! oo! me! pick me!

I got tagged for a meme! By Gold Star! We both have "star" in our fake names! Oh, boy!


1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
egg nog - from my aunt Jesse's recipe

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
both ways, Santa goes both ways

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
white on the tree, none on the house this year because I'm slack

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
when I can get it - last year's is still up

5. When do you put your decorations up?
whenever Sophie is willing to decorate and after the cho-boys bring me my tree

6. What is your favorite holiday dish?
Commonwealth Special

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child.
ummmm...... all of them? Except the one when I was 5 and puking.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
from my ever-truthful mama; this is a total lie, she'd still be playing along if she could - really I learned the truth about Santa from a Laura Ingalls Wilder book

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas eve?
when I was a kid, we'd do one and only one on Christmas Eve, but now I open all my teacher gifts then

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
with a lot of commentary from Sophie

11. Snow! Love it or dread it?
love, love, love

12. Can you ice skate?
nope

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
nope

14. What is the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
time off from work! Woo and Hoo! (And my friends, and my families.) And time off from work!

15. What is your favorite Holiday dessert?
popcorms! And hot toddies! And eggnog!

16. What is your favorite Holiday tradition?
folks coming to visit and having popcorms and hot toddies and egg nog with me, and making fun of Jesus, and looking at lights with Sophie, and having more folks over for Commonwealth Special Christmas Morning

17. What tops your tree?
a dove - peace, yo

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
what was the question?

19. What is your favorite Christmas song?
Shotgun Shells on a Christmas Tree, plus anything sung at the the Annual Country Christmas by LB

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?
Yum!


Yay! Memes! I tag.....ummmm..... Chicory and cho-girl, and Cali.

So, for reals, I got a virtual copy of this meme from Sophie, my pretend child, by way of email just a few days ago. It was full of "r" instead of "are" and shit like that. Ah, pre-adolescence.....
'Kay, y'all. My computer is not playing nice with the internets here in Seattle, although all other things are good, so I'll post as I can.

Merry Everything, y'all

gospel of the Season

Or, good news always outweighs bad.

So, yes, my adoring fans, you do not have to give up on this being a ttc blog - my period started last night and so I'll be trying again shortly. You know you're excited!

Also, everybody in blogland is getting snow, except us here in Central VA. Do you know why? Because now we are Richmond. When I was a kid, back in the day, we got snow good and proper: a few small storms of a couple inches each, and every other year or so a Big Snow - a couple feet. And, back in the day, Richmond would get ice and rain when we got snow, or so the weather reports said. And now? There are calls for snow, and we get rain and ice. We are Richmond now. I am not so much a fan of Richmond.

Anyway, the real news, the Good News, is that there is a new baby come. A tiny girl born early today in Seattle to my dear friends there.

For I have observed her star at its rising and will go to pay her homage.

oh, the days of crappiness, they go on and on

I have been sick. This is distressing for any number of reasons, the foremost of which is My Reputation. See, I don't get truly sick. I mean, really, I just don't and yesterday, I left work early, and so - adios, Reputation. Plus, being sick sucks. You forget when it doesn't happen to you much.

Have some lists.

Crap:

1. crazy Thursday afternoon/evening involving vehicle mix-ups, lots of driving, worry about people I love being in pain, frantic cooking and food delivery, scalding my hand with recently boiling water, and growing Dread about my dearly beloved car (2 rounds of crying over all this - final one prompted by the scalding)
   
2. beginnings of feeling sick
3. confirmed Dread about my dearly beloved car with bonus well-intentioned but still lame-o comments from mechanic who delivered the news
4. worse and worse feeling sick
5. spending money to get soon-to-be-gone but still dearly beloved car from shop - money that didn't even get them to open the long broken trunk latch. (I should have been more demanding, but I had to get out of the office before I started to cry. Ugh. Crying.)
6. shitty news from Cali, who is due for good news, not shit
7. skipping 2 xmas parties that I actually wanted to leave the house for
   
8. negative hpt

And the Less-Than-Crap:

1. well-intentioned mechanic, who saved me a great deal of money by refusing to work on my dearly beloved car
2. good, good folks at work who covered my ass so I could leave work early when sick
3. sleeping on the couch with the cats
   
4. Sophie's Irish Music performance Friday night (it was good, actually really good!)
   
5. my dad bringing firewood into the house so I wouldn't have to
6. my roommate feeding the cats and tending the fire so I could sleep late (the cats lied to me about being fed, though. Pigs)
   
7. cho-girl and the not-so-small-cho, aka Service Boy, also bringing firewood into the house
8. fabulous news by way of the IVP and FF about babies coming and correct numbers of eggs
9. eating lunch and feeling better
10. birthday alert from Friendster. For Jesus. His birthday is almost here.
    

The Less-Than Crap seems to outweigh the Crap. Whew.

I found a new blog today and she describes the post-ovulation phase as " akin to taking a potato peeler to your skin." Yep.

I'd been pretty good with the wait this go-round: no cloth diaper website trolling, very little angst, no planing of the joyous "it worked!" Caved post, no mentally rehearsing the even more joyous "it worked!" phone call to my mama, occasionally not even thinking about it. Nice, huh?

I just can't shake the nagging feeling that it didn't work - my temps were wack, I couldn't pinpoint ovulation and somewhat randomly manually overrode FF to set it for 2 Saturdays ago. So it looks like I'm 14 dpo, but really, it could be 13. I expect to be bleeding tomorrow (all the weeping, you know). And from there I'll move on to the monitoring cycle the RE wants to do and then the dye-test and meds and IUI's. So much for DIY-AI. Oh, well.

Meanwhile, I only have 2 days of school left! And, did I tell you I am going to Seattle? Woo and Hoo! To see a baby be born! Or to coddle my friends through the last long days of pregnancy.

go, go, go!

Eggs for you, Cali.
I'm all triple crossed over here, babe.

brava

So I was late to Sophie's orchestra concert. Luckily, the 5th graders played first and then a bunch of them left, with their families in tow, so I scooted down the aisle and sat down with Sophie's mama and stepdad and big (as in my age big) brother. Her dad and stepmom were there, too. The kid's got a village, man. It's particularly entertaining when we all show up for back-to-school night. Anyway.

Did I mention she's first chair violin? Hmmmm, why, yes, I did! Did you know that means she was the concertmaster? Do you know what the concertmaster does? She walks in after the rest of the orchestra is seated and they all stamp their feet (and we, the ever-adoring audience, clap) and she bows, to us, the ever-adoring audience, and then turns and plays her A string (I could be making this part up, as I have no idea what the hell goes on with a violin) and then the rest of the orchestra plays their A string, or whatever, and then she sits down and the concert starts. At least, that's what a concertmaster does at her school. The bow was quick and to the point, but, oh the poise once she turned around to give that first note to the orchestra. Amazing. And she was lovely. So, so beautiful with her hair pulled back just at the top and her skirt "with a chain," as she puts it and tiny black flats. Cute, yes, because she still little enough that doing something as adult as playing in an orchestra is cute, but also beautiful, like young girls are as you see them come into themselves.

friday ( but really monday) meme

C**** likes to mash people to nothingness while playing hockey
C**** likes to read, play sports, watch baseball, ...
C**** likes to be needed, as well as ...
C**** likes to play "old" music, and I have learned to enjoy the music he plays. .
C**** likes to stay busy. At Santiam Christian, she was a stalwart catcher on the softball team, a regular ...

From Good Search, not Goo.gle.

Why are all of these about sports? And staying busy? It's like the anti-me. Weird.

I tag all of you, and yes, that means you.
Put "likes to" with your name tacked on the front into your fave search engine and post what you like to do. Or don't like to do, as was the case for me.

in case you don't read the comments

(from Darren, of course)

i <3 lists

(I love a list, y'all - love, love, love a list. So tidy, so organized, so.... list-y.)

Things I saw on my way to the Valley today:

• One tall skinny white kid picking his butt on Main st. Really - he had several fingers up in there; I think it was an underpants problem. I laughed aloud. Loudly.
• The total and complete lack of the typewriter store. Oh, noes! I'd been meaning to get new typewriter ribbon there for years - litterally years. It was just over the bridge from my house, not a 5 minute walk and I always forgot to go in and get ribbon. And now? It is Teh Gone. I said, "oh, dear!" aloud. Really. (As a very, very sad commentary on the state of my town, there will probably be a ((good but)) overpriced restaurant there shortly. Let's play guess who will own it!)
• Millions of students crossing the street willy-nilly in front of any car they could. Yes, I did stop for them, but did they wave in thanks? Nope. Kids these days.
• Yet another skinny white kid (the place is lousy with them) - this one was doing something weird with his hair. He had both hands up in it, head bent down slightly and was shaking and ratting it around as if there was a spider in there he just had to get out. Then he thew his head back up, all Ferrah Fawcett-ish (or, rather just like my best friend in 2nd grade, Allison, used to do to get her "wangs" right), and looked smug. I was at a light, so I got to watch the whole damn thing. And, yes, I laughed outright again. And yes, I was alone in the car this whole time.

The rest of the drive was the usual - prettier than a picture. I took the slow way, 250 up to Afton and then 64 back down and over. The trees were all bare and a bazillion colors of brown and gray, except for a good-sized stand of pines off to the right just as you start to come down the west side of the mountain. I drove home in the dark and so there was less to see. Sorry to let y'all down.

my president

Stolen from Hope.

clipped from a214.ac-images.myspacecdn.com

truth and lies

I won't lie to you. The body of this post is shamelessly cut and pasted from an email that is now a year old. It's still all true, though, except that now she is twelve. Lord.

Tomorrow, Sophie will be eleven.

Old, I say. Today, she got her haircut and asked for layers in the
front and though she had to sit in the kids' chair at Jodie's to get
the haircut, she now looks old. Adolescence is looming, I tell you.
I'd cry if I were the crying type. She pulled a curl from the
sweepings on the floor and gave it to me, because she knows I love
the perfect curl that grows from the left side of the nape of her neck.

When she was little, I could carry her from my old house to the bank
on High street. She was always tired after school and she'd fall
asleep on my shoulder and I'd balance her on the ledge at the bank to
sign checks while she slept, open mouthed, on my shoulder. The folks
at the bank always said something about how cute she was. In her
brown and fringy leather cowgirl vest and skirt that nearly fell off
because she was so skinny.

When I first started keeping her, we used to drive back to her house
in Belmont and get stuck on the bridge over the tracks at 5, as the
sun went down in the fall, and I'd tell her to look at the sky
because the clouds were so pretty and because she was a captive
audience to my awed ramblings. Sometimes she interrupts herself now
to point out the sky to me.

She mows the grass for me. For real. She is good at it now. She
always volunteers when I say there is yard work to be done and she
once mentioned casually that she liked mowing the patches of clover
the best because she liked to watch the clover leaves pop around as
she ran the mower over them.

She had me read a story she's writing for school today and said she
wanted me to edit it, not just read it. And it was remarkably free
of spelling mistakes and was funny. Truly funny.

She got a poor grade in social studies last term and she has pulled
it up and is very quietly proud. (I am loudly proud.)

She says, "I knew that," in a very sassy fashion when she is caught
unawares. Mostly, I hate this, but it is also a little endearing,

She holds the door for me when we go places.

She and H***** have the exact same color hair and Sophie is so, so
good with her.

She yells, "honk," as loud as she can when we pass the peace
demonstrators with their honk for peace signs.

She has begun to have dreams about celebrities but she still believes
in Santa.

She had her first orchestra concert yesterday, and she looked
slightly bored. And very 80's with her slouchy boots.

She is planing on buying her birthday party favors with her own
money, prompted by no one.

She washed the car windows in the freezing cold for me today when I
got gas on Harris st.

She still thinks she can teach me to ride a bike.

Tomorrow, she will be eleven.

What? You wanted to know about my RE appointment? Haha. Maybe another day. It was good.

oh, right!

This is a ttc blog, isn't it? Do we really care about who's died recently or how I transport myself to work? Nope. All we care about is my girl-parts and what they are doing.

So I've got an appointment with an RE on Thursday. Time to ramp it up I guess. He comes highly recommended by a couple few friends in town and here's hoping I've got good coverage for fertility treatments (and no, I haven't called them to find out). I am very unclear on just what we'll be doing Thursday, which will be CD 17. It's too early for the 7 dpo bloodwork, too late for any ovarian monitoring, right? I am so in the dark about this shit. I plan to take my charts from good old FF and the copy of my 7 dpo bloodwork from July that show my low progesterone levels and normal prolactin and normal thyroid. If I can find them. What else do I need?

The thought of clomid scares me shitless. The horror stories of bad moods and general crazy-feeling make me very, very leery of taking it. I simply cannot be in a medication-induced bad mood at work. I might kill some children. According to my FF charts, I am pretty clearly ovulating, so I hope that the clomid option doesn't even make an appearance. But still, I am scared of it.

In my usual, backwards, pseudo-superstitious way, I think that simply making the appointment with this doctor will make this most recent cycle work. Plan for the worst, hope for the best, as it were. Also, my ambivalence about the timing (When the fuck did I ovulate? Just how long does this Bio-Tranz sperm live anyway? 12 hours like frozen? 5 days like fresh? Who the fuck knows?) this cyle is also clearly A Sign that it worked. But let's not jinx it by talking about it too much, 'kay? Thanks.

In this same vein, I am almost out of firewood and so it might snow. Except now it won't, as I have jinxed it by talking about it. Logic - my BFF.

In other ttc news, my boobs are sore. WTF, boobs? It's only 3 dpo (I think - my temps are fucked this cycle) and there is no reason for you to be sore. *sigh* Bodies. So Confusing.

also for remembering...

Somehow I missed the news of Jane Rule's death. There's a good obit here, by way of Alison Bechtel.

All us queer kids now stand on the shoulders of those folks who came out when coming out wasn't cool, as the saying goes, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

warm

Yesterday, at An Event, I was reminded by a friend about walking to work. Well, how it really went was she asked, in the context of a conversation about endophins, how often I was walking, and I, somewhat shamefaced, had to admit to not very often recently. Oh, I had all the excuses - it's dark when I get up, it's hard to deal with picking up Sophie without the car, catching the bus home is too tightly scheduled and I'm too tired to walk all the way after school, blah, blah, blah.

Anyway.

I got my ass out of bed when my alarm went for for Teh Daily Temping (97.2ºF again? WTF?) instead of snoozing 4 or 5 times and was fed and out the door by 7:20. Woo and Hoo? Yep. I had Little Star on my ipod and the sky was clear. The sun was up, but things were still just pink and the park was empty as I cut through to cross over by the courthouse. All the early commuters in their mini-vans with dozing children and the construction workers rushing late in their pickups were not near as happy as I was on the sidewalk. It was Teh Cold though. Or rather, it would have been, except while at the above Event, another friend had gifted me with the warmest ever Pseudo Gloves. They are about as long as my arm, and have holes for my thumbs, and are kind of like extra sleeves. So it was cold, but I was not. Not cold in the least, a little over heated by the time I got to school, in fact.

So, yes, Woo and Hoo! I think I'll walk again tomorrow, since Sophie has crap at her school until late. Did I mention she's first chair violin? Well, she is.

lest we forget

I was reminded last night, by J over at Cheese and Whine, that it is World AIDS Day today.
May we never forget all the folks we've lost.

fertility hennaz finished

The picture in the past post was the before pic - before I got taped up and went to bed, before I picked all the dried henna bits off.


This is the after, how it will look for a couple weeks. It may get darker.

The kitchen in the background is totally reversed - the colander should be on the other side. Photobooth (hence dark picture) is so weird.

Now, if y'all will excuse me, I'm done with NaBloBlahNannyBooBoo and I'm going to go make some popcorn and get my self pregnant.

fertility hennaz

Camera phone pic, hence the fuzz.
Thanks, cho-girl.

millionth time's the charm

Because we have been Very Busy working on quantum mechanics in my class, I have not yet taught my children how to write their names*. Hence, cho-girl had to sigh for the sp*rm at school today. She was soooo 'cited! It's been a looonnng time since the FedEx man has come to school with a styrofoam box for me - over 2 years, which you'd know if you'd done your homework.

I've opted to use my good old Keeper this go round, not the Instead cup, as I am better at getting Teh Keeper in my hoo-ha. Plus, I have to run off to the theater for Large Fabric Instalations R Us (aka curtain making), so there is no time for a nice legs-in-the-air lie down this afternoon. Sophie is here so I'll also be forgoing the un-required but helpful "activity" that usually accompanies an insem.

Keep your hands and arms inside the car, kids, it's CD 12 with a high on the monitor, but negative opk, perfect CM and an afternoon insem.



*What we're really working on is how not to pick your friend's nose at circle time. No, actually, we're working on how to not be so annoying that your teacher's head explodes. No, really this time, we're working on Independence and Peace.

tired yet?

Yes, I am . Blogging everyday is Teh Hard, y'all.

What do you want to hear about?

• How fab yesterday's soup was? (Fab.)
• What old Clear Blue told me this morning? (Another high reading - my estrogen's rising.)
• What I'm going to do about those 2 high readings? (Get pregnant tomorrow and Friday, instead of Friday and Saturday.)
• Why am I listening to a tiny machine that doesn't always communicate so well? (Because my CM is all sparkley and eggy, and when my cervix and old Clear Blue agree, the time to move is now)
• Who I'm chatting with right now? (Chicory.)
• Who I'll be teaching with tomorrow? (cho-girl - woo and hoo!)
• What I'll be bring to school tomorrow, just to make her day? (Teh Coffeez.)
• How many days of NaBloPoMo are left? (Two. That's 2.)
  
• Who loves you the best? (Me.)

The FedEx man comes tomorrow. Fasten your seat belts, kids, it's CD 11.

mulitfaceted

I just had a very schizophrenic time on ichat, talking about sex parties with one friend, child development (and sex parties) with another and then Sophie, my pretend child, showed up on-line, too. Thank you Jesus for making sure it was not a group chat.

I was, as Sophie put it, multitasking, as I was also making dinner. There's been precious little time to go to the grocery store since I got back from The Trip I Will Pine For Forever, and so I broke into the summer vegetable stash* in the freezer. Tomatoes, broccoli, yellow squash, chicken broth and basil from the freezer, with lentils and quinoa, Super Grain of the Future, and berbere from the "pantry." I just added some Bragg's and a smidge of vinegar. We'll see.

Interestingly, Sophie comes across on IM as something of an adult. I'd like to take credit for her good sense of sarcasm, but I can't. It's all her.

Website of the day: FreeRice. Get smart and feed the world. Courtesy of my mama, so you know it's good.

Today was a Dr. Accu day. I do love him. He got rid of my day-long headache, as well as doing his usual thing - needles and a brief but great shoulder rub. I've got 3 more days of follicular-phase herbs and then it's on to the ovulation herbs.

Woo and hoo, it's CD 10, y'all! I got a high on old Clear Blue this morning (WTF? There were/are NO other estrogen signs. Stupid monitor. I give it pee, just like it asks for, and all I get from it is ambiguity. This is no way to build a relationship.), and my donors are set to go.



*for the sake of accuracy: I didn't use any of the foods pictured in that link, but you get the idea. I will totally throw you a picture of my freezer, soon because I know you care.

still the smallest town in the world

Is it wrong that I want to go back to my life of Riley in Boston? I am detoxing hard, y'all. It was so great. I got *fed*. People never feed me; I always feed them. R and I were sitting on the couch, reading, on Thursday and there was the smell of onions and olive oil coming from the kitchen and J and the Boston girl made soup. It was so weird and great to smell food and have nothing to do with its production. Okay, so I did cut up the onion, but then I sat on my ass on the couch, aka my bed, and read. R and I looked at each other, wide-eyed with wonder - food! For us! Wow.

In other, fascinating Boston news, I ran into a friend from here in Virginia while I was up there in Massachusetts. Randomly ran into her in a bar (after our amazing hot tub experience). We walked into said bar near the Boston kids' house and stood in the doorway, scoping the scene for a minute, and suddenly, like a flash of joy, my old friend M was standing with her arm around me. She is the original mama of the Cat Not Yet Pictured on Caved (the bad cat, if you must know). I'd emailed her before I went up there, but she was slammed with family and guest dogs and so didn't get back to me until Saturday. I figured I'd missed her, as I already had plans for that night (Teh Hot Tub), but no! There she was in the bar, smiling her same smile. Icing on a cake of a trip.

Here is one of my ever-astute observations from this trip. Folks in Boston don't say "hey" to you the way folks in Virginia do. You know how it is: you're walking down the street and you see somebody coming towards you and so you make eye contact, you nod, or say "hey," or "how're you," or *something*. And you keep walking. But in Boston, no dice. I kept readying myself for the greeting-in-passing, but I never got any eye contact! Folks were nice, but no "hey," no nodding, nothing. Weird, huh?

On the other side of the spectrum, Boston girl and I went to the North End to see the sites and went looking for something to eat. We stopped in front of Dolce Vita and while looking over the menu, a short, fat, cute, clearly Italian old man came out and declaimed the virtues of "his" restaurant. "You vegetarian?" he asked? Well, the Special Antipasto! So good! And for me, the omnivore, well, there's veal, or chicken! Not so much on the quantity, but the quality! So good! We were sold; he was so cute! Once inside, he snapped his fingers and said, "2 here!" to nobody in particular, and toddled off. We didn't see him again.

Do you think I'll be able to write about anything else ever?

*sigh*

Back to the real world.

Here I am chez Starr Hill, lured back to central Virginia by LB's talk of twisted naked tree branches. It *is* nice to be home. But, wow, it sure was hard to leave.

R and J and I left Teh Frozen North around 7 am and I got back here to Starr Hill just before 8 pm. 13 hours, which included a visit to the other DC lesbians. Not bad. Particularly when you take into account that I had to drive from R and J's in Capitol Hill up to Brookland to see said other DC lesbians and then get myself all the way over to 66 to get home. Up and across DC all by my tiny self. And I did not get lost or scared. Ahem. Yay me! Leave congratulations in the comments, please.


Time for some nasty chinese herbs. It's CD 8, kids, CD 8.

just like heaven would be, only more parenthesis and more Capital Letters

It's fucking great here, y'all. Except for the antarctic temperatures, I mean. So great. I might not come home. I am sure the cats can follow my scent up 95 and find me here on the Boston kids' couch (where I've been for the past 12 hours, minus getting up for blueberry pancakes).

In those 12 hours, I've slept; had crazy dreams, including one that foretells the outcome of the coming election (looks bad, y'all, real bad); finished Cavedweller (how the fuck did I forget about Dorothy Allison?); lounged and lounged some more. Now I'm here with the Boston Boy, reading and writing on the couch, aka my bed, while the Boston Girl showers. She says she'll take me to the waterfront and, no, that is not a euphemism, but it should be. The DC girls, R and J, left us for some Alone Time with Somebody Else. (I see your Alone Time, Somebody Else and I raise you 12 hours in the car with R and J tomorrow! I'm the winner!) There was much weeping and gnashing of teeth at their departure. We heart them. We do. I speak for All of Us.

While in the Frozen North here I have:

1. taken public transportation, my bbf
2. talked about anything and everything with folks who are very smart
3. saw J make the funniest face *ever* (EVER) when a squirrel ate out of her hand
   
4. laughed a bunch over stupid shit
5. eaten Indian food
6. formed Teh Wonder Triplets with Boston Girl and R
   
7. had my back scratched twice
8. lounged
   
9. thought about ttc in ways that were not obsessive, nor were they stressful (yay)
10. watched one bad movie and part of a good movie
11. read a very, very good book (see above)
12. lounged again
13. saw fabulous and amazing works in progress and was so proud and impressed to see my friend doing work she loves
14. lounged more

Vacations like this feel like stolen time. Like I'm getting something for nothing. As if I'm existing for a moment in a world that doesn't quite exist.

Serious, y'all. I might not come home. Send some clean socks, underpants and warmer weather with the cats.

You're been wondering how things are here in Boston, aka The Frozen North, haven't you? Well, they are great. Except for the fact that the 70º weather is gone and it really is frozen as well as north now.

So I went to DC on Wednesday, to hook up with R and J (Not like that! Lord, y'all. They are hot though....) and in classic lesbian fashion, they were both at home with their 2.5 cats and the Indigo Girls playing in the background. Okay, actually there were only 2 cats.

Anyway. We drove to stay that night with a friend of theirs outside Philly. There was an amazingly cute cat there (although it was not a House O' Lesbians) who has a problem using his litter box consistently. He also has no claws. Hmmmm...... Please don't de-claw your cats. We got up before 6, much to J's chagrin, so as to miss as much traffic as possible and also so as to spend as much time as possible with the fab Boston kids.

We stopped for coffee at a Dunkin' Donuts just after leaving the house of the cat with no claws and got assaulted by the American Appetite. R and I just got coffee (pre-dawn is way to early for things as sweet as donuts) but J wanted one donut "ball" (should we tell her the common name is donut hole?). The poor woman behind the counter could not even understand this. 5 for $1.99! she kept saying. But I only want one, poor J would explain. Again. And again. Finally she patiently explained that 5 would give her diarrhea, to which the woman behind the counter said again, 5 for $1.99! So she took the 5 (I'll not bore you with the story of what happened at the rest stop a couple hours later). Then the long-suffering woman behind the counter asked, are you two together? and J smacked R's ass in reply. Really, I think the Dunkin' Donuts woman was asking about their donut ball/coffee payment plan, but - hey, what's a little ass smacking at 6 am?

Because no vacation is complete without an educational component, we drove through Valley Forge, looking for bloody footprints left by long dead soldiers in the snow. We were several years too late, plus no snow. The rest of the drive was flawless - pretty and clear, full of good company and naps. We made it to Boston in less than 6 hours. Over the Tappan Zee and north up 95.

And when we got here, there was love all around: food to be made and drinks to be had, books for reading and bad movies for watching, sitting around to be done and back scratching and music and talking and pie. Which I am now having for breakfast.

Mmmmm..... pie.....

I am thankful for pie. And for my friends.

not failing

Nope. Not me. But just barely, y'all.
It was close to 70º today, even in the frozen north.
There's been a great deal of food and fancy drinks here in Boston and it's nearly time for bed.
I'm kicking your ass, NaBloPoMo, with my tiny, tiny posts.

congratulations

I can drive in strange cities and not get lost once. At least, this time I can. Good job, me.
Also, Virginia is the prettiest. Oh, yes it is.

pre-drive randomness

*the directions into DC for the first leg of this trip *look* easy. Cross your fingers. I hate being lost.

*I am not taking old Clear Blue with me to Boston; there's no need to POAS until CD 9 at least and so I think I'm safe leaving her behind. Poor Clear Blue, I like to make her suffer without my company.

*the call to the RE was fruitless. Sort of. The woman who schedules for him was off today, not to return until Monday, so I'll be able to make an appointment. What? I didn't tell you I'm ramping it up a notch? Life's short. Use Western Medicine.

*My donors, who you can't beat with a stick, are so on top of things, one of them is emailing me about next cycle! They win!

*it's 70º here.

*I need to get off the computer and on the road.

and again with the cat pictures

Does this count for NaBloPoMo? Let's hope so. I'd hate to let y'all down.

NaBloPoblahblahblah

How many more days of this?

My black cat has forsaken me. She is cheating on me with my current new and temporary roommate. She loves him. She never likes anybody, except for this guy and that was years ago. I'd be jealous, but that's not how I roll.

Also, I washed my hair today.

It's pretty exciting over here in Starr Hill.

done and done

Nothing like a little Shakespeare* to bring on some blood.

Here's to next cycle. Salut, as my grandpa used to say.

CD 1.

*N.B. the homo-erotic imagery at the top of this link - wtf?

obsessing

And you thought I was over this cycle already. Hahahaha. Joke's on you! I'm not.

It's cd 29, 15 dpo and my temp is up. A little bit - 2/10 of a degree. Yeah, I know, I know, one temp means nothing, it's all about getting the big picture, blah, blah, blah. But I've never had a luteal phase temp go up after it starts to go down (other than this cycle's pretty, possible, implantation dip - you know you want to see my chart - which is a different story).

Lord.

this is what happened to me today

(so if I knew better what I was doing with this blogging shit you'd be able to see something interesting here, as it is, you have to click - boo)


But not sad! And not involving a restaurant. Bu yay, free cake! Ok, also, no cake, but Olive(s) which I like better anyway. So don't worry, y'all.

let's pretend

Let's pretend this is a food blog, not a ttc blog. 'K?

The glut of summer produce is over. At least for me. Because it is fall and because my CSA ended weeks and weeks ago in Spetember. I really am not sure why it ended so early - it's gone well into October previous years. I'm also not so sure what I think about staying with the farm next year. There were several people who'd worked there for a couple seasons who "left" last spring and I've heard varying reports as to why. From the rather innocuous "new management" explanation, to the rather troubling (or at least head-scratch inducing) allegations of stealing directed at the folks who "left" (the leaving, which could and has been described as firing, happened over a scattered amount of time). So I am torn. I don't want to take part in something where the folks who work there are treated less than well, but I do have a tie to this farm now, to the land itself and the view from the barn looking north past the house towards the woods.

I've broken into my stash of frozen goods and, really, frozen broccoli? Not as good a fresh, even when you've frozen it yourself. I don't know why this came as a surprise.

Recipes For Trouble has a good post up about making meals - for yourself, for other folks. In your home, what do you do about meals? Sit down at the table? Stand up at the sink? (Of course you do this in the summer with peaches, leaning over to keep the drips off your shirt, there's no other option - oh, summer..... I miss you already.) Who do you cook for and does it "mean" something when you do? Who cooks for you? I tend to eat sitting down, at the table, more out of habit than anything. I do make meals for myself; I love to cook. But I'd rather you show up around dinnertime and help me eat. Except sometimes it is nice to read the comics with dinner if I missed them at breakfast.

Also, the Flavor of the Week? Browned butter on popcorn. You'll love it. Almost as much as I love you.

zero times anything is.....?

Unless my temp spikes to somewhere north of 98º tomorrow in the pre-dawn hours, I'm out. And yes, I tested twice today. Ha. And wtf?

I will not be brought down by the starkness of your empty expanse of white pee-stick, oh internet cheapie. I will not. I'm not testing again. My temp will rise or fall as it wants, my prometrium will run out and I will bust out the Keeper™ and the bottle of Maker's Mark Ingrid left here when I start bleeding tomorrow or the next day. And I'll hop back up on the god-damned horse next cycle. Because what have I got if not hope?

Well, since you ask, I've clearly got all of y'all in addition to hope. All you IVP-ers (hmmm... that sounds not so good....) and my IRL kids - y'all are the best thing going, as has been said before.

So I got the OS X upgrade today (thank you) and I am doing the big back up before installing it. Which means my machine is tied to my desk in the cold, cold living room, and so NaBloPoMo can bite me for today, because I want to go sit by the fire and this back-up is taking for-fucking-ever.

Really, I am surprisingly cheerful for a girl about to crash and burn again. Maybe I am getting used to it? Weird. I mean, honestly, I feel pretty okay. Not even like amping up to not okay. Mysterious.

cycle day what?

Don't my million post for yesterday count for today? No? Crap. This blogging everyday is hard.

I'm really buying into this "test early and often" thing. It seems to lessen the blow. Deal with the massive and horrifying disappointment in manageable daily chunks. One stark white pee-stick after another. Yeah. That's a plan. I'm sure this will prevent the hollow feeling in my gut as I drop into the beginning of yet another cycle sometime this weekend. Oh, don't worry, loyal and loving reader(s), I'll keep testing; the obsessors would have my ass otherwise.

CD 26, 12 dpo. HPT as negative as they come. *sigh*

how about I post a million times today?

*sigh*
We (that is y'all and me) have reached the Bad Part of the 2ww. The part where I look at cloth diapers on the internets and feel stupidly hopeful and horribly pessimistic at the same time.

My most interesting and bullshit pseudo-symptom to date: accidentally biting the inside of my lower lip forty-eleven times today. This Means Something, you know. Fluid-retention? Increased blood-volume? Random nothing?

For distraction, I am going to see music tonight. If I can get out from under the computer.

gratuitous tree porn

For Cali, in celebration:

(with gratuitous pre-teens at no extra cost)

all the kids are doing it

Just a minute ago, Sophie, my pretend child, walked out the door. By herself, heading home. Now, I'm sure some of you are saying, "Hell, the girl's almost 12 - why is this blog-worthy?" (And I am quite sure some of you are also asking "why is this blog worthy?" And I say, "worthy of what?") But she's not ever walked quite that far alone (and really, she's not going all the way home, her mama is meeting her part way). It's not really so far - 5 long blocks - but the train tracks run diagonally between our neighborhoods and there's a construction site for a big, stupidly overpriced set of condos she has to walk around. The child has been blessed (I'm sure it feels like cursed to her sometimes) with a bounty of adults to parent her. Even though her mama works full time, she's never really had to do much by the way of spending time without an adult she trusts within shouting distance. There's her mom, and her step dad (who would do pretty much anything she wanted) and her dad and her step mom and me. So there's a lot of us. And she gets scared of things pretty easily. I am only slightly embarrassed to admit I secretly followed her part way. Not far! Really! I just walked around the corner, so I could see her when she got to the top of the hill where the construction is. She looked so tiny from that far away, with her giant backpack and her fiddle in one hand. Apparently, she made. I just called to be sure. Quit laughing.

In other news, I finally got it together to remember not only to take my camera to school, but to *use* it.






Thanks for the buckle frame, cho-girl.

killing time

I wish I could figure out how to make this actually show up here, but since I can't you'll have to click on it.

survey says....

Should I test tonight?
It's CD 24, 10 DPO. The earliest any hcg might show up. I'm working with internet cheapies if you're one of the folks who knows what that means.
Weigh in, please?

stealing time from work

Heeheeeee! I am blogging at work! Crazy. Of course, there is no wireless reception, so I won't be able to publish until I get home. I heart conferences. Such a easy day.

Dean Spade, and his friend Colby Lenz, have some interesting things to say about cell phones (there was also a good piece on makezine). I am particularly interested in the idea of luxury goods that become needs. He points out, correctly I think, that we lived our lives without cellphone not so very long ago and now they are as common as flies on shit. While the subject of the article reads as phones, the main point seems to be thinking. That is, think before you do things, buy things, believe things. I am a fan of thinking.

traveling girl

(with apologies to GS for sort of stealing her title)

Ask me about my Thanksgiving plans. Go ahead, ask.

Since you're dying to know, I am going to Boston, to see my very own Blue Rose Girl. Hooray! I'm so 'cited!

Travel's a funny thing, you know. Time was, I hated it. Usually, it involved going to LA, which was fraught with angst for me in sort of lame and stupid ways. Plus - leaving the house? Sucks. But then I had to go away to get my Montessori training, and while that was long and hard (the away from home part, not the work part), it was something of a turning point.

The training center was in Westchester, and because the cafeteria of the college the Montessori folks use was closed on the weekends* I would hop the 4 o'clock train into NYC on Fridays, because a weekend without food is not for me. Note the casual way I throw that phrase around "I would hop the 4 o'clock train into NYC" - ha. It was initially nerve-wracking. But I had a friend who would meet me at Grand Central every Friday afternoon and she gave such clear and simple directions that it all turned out to be easy.

So I spent my weekends that summer in the city, after a lifetime of barely venturing outside my door. Being somewhere unfamiliar was terrifying to me. But this friend, she made sure I knew where I was, all the time. We'd come up out of the subway and she'd stop and grill me. "How would you get back to my house from here?" she'd say "Which train? Which stop?" And soon enough I felt like I could figure out how to get anywhere. She let me treat her home like my home (as did a couple other people that summer - the summer that was so hot one weekend all another friend and I could do was lie around in our underwear watching cooking shows until it got dark) and made sure I knew how to get there. It was almost like not leaving the house. But with better restaurants.

The other You'll Grow To Love Travel circumstance was having a long-distance girlfriend. I pretty much had to get over my dislike for travel if I wanted to "see" her, because she couldn't stay in one place for longer than a minute. (And then, when she did, she broke up with me.)

So here I am today, all excited about going to Boston. Somewhere I've never been! And I'm not freaking out! Just excited!

Okay, I am freaking out a little about driving to DC which I have to do in order to hook up with the girls who are taking me to Boston. Driving in unfamiliar places is the final frontier.



*Ok, so what the fuck was up with that? There were un-air conditioned, 3-story dorms full of sweaty Montessori teachers-to-be and there was no food on the weekends? Even though we had paid some ridiculous amount of money for the board part of room and board? And the cafeteria sucked anyway. Don't try and go live in a dorm for the first time at age 28, F yer I. Oh, and the lack of AC? Usually not a problem for me - I don't have it at home now - but we were on the 3rd floor of this building and it was fucking hot. That summer there was a heat wave and drought up and down the east coast - yeah, *that* summer - that's what I'm talking about here.

124 sounds fucking great to me

It has been a red letter day, y'all.

Conferences were a breeze, and it was kind of nice to have a morning without children. I kind of missed them when I got back to the classroom. There are no real "issues" with any of the kids, so it's fun to sit around with their parents and talk about how great they are.

My most recent long-term old roommate stopped by to get some mail that had come for him. He hung out for popcorms and comics. When he left, I was richer by one mixed cd, 1 aisan pear and 2 persimmons. A bunch of my favorite fruits.....mmm....

Sophie's mama showed up and announced that it was a night for Teh Diner. And all the Meads were there. Yes, Hard Girl, all the Meads. You'd be amazed at the size of those girls. Amazed. And my cheeseburger? Kicked some cheeseburger ass. It is amazing how much more I can eat when I'm not drinking a beer with dinner. Go figure.

Also, Sophie ate three ice cream cones and popcorn and cheese sticks after ArtQuest today. Lord.

I'm a boring blogger these days. But aren't you excited about my asian pear?

pass me the torch, please

Pro.cras.ti.na'tion
Did you think I was done with those reports for my parent teacher conferences? Haha! Fooled you. I'm working on them right now. I swear.

Meanwhile, I'm cruising craigslist, because you know, the right temporary roommate could be out there right now, waiting for my house.

6:55 pm - three done, three to go. Oh, come on. Did you think I was going to do the ones for Tuesday tonight? Please. Time for dinner.

Here I am! Why does blogger use the time one started a post as the time it was posted? You'd think it would make sense to time-stamp it with the time it was published. Ok, 3 more reports.

9:30, reports written, dishes washed, laundry hung to dry by the stove. Check, check and check. I am turning into my mother. There are worse things.

Today, I went to Richmond with my long-suffering parents, to help my great-aunt move from one apartment to another, smaller apartment. I now want to be sure to set fire to my house just before I die, so that no one will ever have to look through my highly unorganized desk and deside if the random scribbled note from Sophie about going outside to play is worth saving or should be given away or thrown away. Oh, and how about the broken rice cooker? Nobody but me needs to deal with that. Why do we hang on to so much crap? Fear of death? I'm here to tell you that fear of death is going to make me clean out all the useless shit from my house. Someday.

(Except for the couple few things I brought from my great-aunt's house today, like the cool knife that straps to one's belt. And the 2-part cast iron pan. And the wire-mesh sieve.)

down to the wire

Will you look at the time.
I've only got 1 and 1/2 hours in which to blog, or I fail NaBloPoMo. Fail.
Thank you, Jesus, for giving me a nice list of thing I did today to bore my reader with. All one of you.
In chronological order:

*woke up, temped (as in took my temperature, not as in short-term work - I don't have the correct skill set for that)

*got out of bed and went downstairs, spent way too much time on the computer checking in on y'all, and drank some nasty Chinese herbs (which are starting to taste good - the luteal phase ones at least; this Means Something, I'm sure) while reviving the fire (not a euphemism)

*made a million phone calls to organize my day

*went downtown to see cho-girl's stand at the market, bought the really and truly last bit of farmer's market style produce from the adorable Waterpenny kids, after bringing cho-girl a cup of coffee

*picked up some very cute baby things for the New Baby of the Valley, also some toilet paper and new twinkle lights

*came home and opted to skip Sophie's soccer game in order to mop the floors downstairs because they were disgusting, I tell you (ahem, did I mention she's first chair for violin?)

*made boiled custard from my great-grandma's recipe to take to the New Mother in the Valley, as it is my opinion that custard (the nice warm kind you drink) is perfect food for new nursing mothers; plus fun to make

*handled a leaf delivery from Kaity, true owner of my fig tree - why, you ask do I need leaves delivered in the fall? Because none of mine have fallen yet and I was told by the goatcheese man at the market to cover up my new and tender fig tree for the winter - and gave a her a smidge of custard (see above)

*drove to the Valley to hang with the Valley kids

*came home, realized I was close to failing Noblo-whatsiz-hoosie, because today was almost over and I had yet to post.

*wrote this crappy list


CD 21, 7 dpo, 7 days until my "best" friend, FF, says I can test. Ha.

There've been some very good blog posts today about the costs of infertility - ah, Bri at Unwellness and J from Cheese and Whine and somerandomchic, are the ones I've seen, if y'all haven't read them. Apparently, it's National Infertility Awareness Week.

I am not sure I'd call myself infertile yet, in large part because I think I've had it easier than so many and I'd hate to equate my admittedly hard experience with the utter hell some folks have gone through/are going though. But maybe I should? I certainly identify with people who are going through infertility treatments. In ways I never, ever thought I would. Like nasty and bitter about folks who get pregnant "right away"? Yeah. I could taste the nastiness in the back of my throat when this woman I know would wear her "Baby On Board!" maternity t-shirt (in my defense, it was very, very ugly, too). Poor girl. She had no idea that her happy, happy pregnancy was such a daily assault to my sanity. Aye. I didn't think I was capable of such feelings.

So costs.....? I don't think I have record on hand - I'd have to go dig up the old visa bills, and we all know that's a pain in the ass, so I'll guess.

Summer/September 2005
co-pay for nurse practitioner's appointment to get all spermbank paperwork done - $25
donor profiles - $15
first sperm shipment, dry ice - ~$635
November 2005
another sperm shipment, nitrogen tank - ~$755
May 2006
another sperm shipment, nitrogen tanks - ~$755
June 2006
another sperm shipment, nitrogen tanks - ~$635
July 2006
another sperm shipment, nitrogen tanks - ~$755
September 2006
another sperm shipment, nitrogen tanks - ~$755
October 2006
another sperm shipment, nitrogen tanks - ~$755 (this is getting pretty repetitive.....)
February 2007
lawyer's fees for consult on known donor contract - $200
March 2007
every std test known to man or woman for KD and his boyfriend, plus semen analysis for KD - ~$100-150 (really not bad, the BF has great insurance and the KD used student health as much as he could)
April 2007
token of appreciation to KD for jar o' sperm - $50/hit, so $150
May 2007
token of appreciation to KD for jar o' sperm - $50/hit, so $150
June 2007
token of appreciation to KD for jar o' sperm - $50/hit, so $150
July 2007
token of appreciation to KD for jar o' sperm - $50/hit, so $200
co-pay for nurse-practitioner's visit - $25
prometrium - ~$30
August 2007
token of appreciation to KD for jar o' sperm - $50/hit, so $100
prometrium - ~$30
September 2007
token of appreciation to KD for jar o' sperm - $50/hit, so $150, still unpaid because he feels bad about taking it when he can't give me a straight answer about if he'll still be my donor, so nothing
November 2007
biotranz kits x2 for the New "Can't Beat Them With Sticks" Donors (who have not sent me the bill for shipping, as they were asked to do *ahem*)- $137
prometrium - ~$30

That's $5682. If I did the math right. Don't check. Jesus, y'all.

This does not count all the opks, the home pregnancy test, old Clear Blue and her test sticks, the fertility herbs, the acupuncture, the pre-natals, the baby aspirin, the robitussin, the syringes, the instead cups, et cetera, because a) that number is painful enough and b) so many of those things were given to me.

Nor does "cost" cover the misery, the isolation, the convoluted figuring about who to tell and who not to tell, the weeping, the lost-but-not-forgotten sex drive, the giving up of almost everything else in my life, the bitterness, the *want* for a baby that has burned right through my skin and left it raw and bleeding.

And I've had it easy, y'all. Easy. I don't have any dead babies to my name. I don't have horror stories of doctor's visits gone awry. There's no relationship to try to take care of in this process, no other person's feelings to worry about. My isolation is lessened by the ever dear IVP and by a couple of in real life friends in particular - one's who gone through it all herself and not only lived to tell the tale but has a baby to boot, and another who somehow gets it, though she's not ever tried to conceive herself (I'd nominate her as an honorary member of the IVP, but I'm not sure I'd want to wish that on anyone). While 2 years seems like an eternity, that's nothing compared to some. Nothing.

And the money? While it's a lot, a whole lot, it is also nothing compared to some. It is manageable. Frustrating, but manageable.

And will it be worth it? How can you even ask? Worth what, I'd like to know.


If you're reading this (you are reading this, aren't you?) and you identify as infertile, at what point did you start to use that term? If you don't, but you're trying to get knocked up, why don't you?

she's the one

Who is the best and the brightest? The small but sometimes surly light of my life? Yes, the answer is Sophie, my pretend child.

She found out today that she and one of her best friends (a very, very nice girl who is welcome at my house anytime, unlike some other friends) are sharing first chair for violin. Which means she is the best (or rather one of the two best) in the school, which is made up of all the 5th and 6th graders in the whole city. Did you hear me say "whole city"?

"Are you so proud of me?" as one of my children at school asked today when she showed me her sweater she'd buttoned all by herself.

Yes.

Yes, I am so, so proud. So much so I could nearly burst. But not quite so proud as Sophie herself seems, which is as it should be.

fooled you

Who are we kidding? I'm not going work on conference reports tonight. I'm going to read and go to bed.

here i am

Once, a couple years ago, in a fit of good-granddaughter-ness, I went to church. With my grandmother, who was very, very happy to have me there. See, for her, church is all those good things it is supposed to be: full of people who love you and songs about god. She was excited to introduce me to all her people there, and I was equally excited to hear how much they all love her. So, it was good to go. And? No hell-fire when I walked in the building, Neither did the earth open up and swallow me. Nor did the hand of god reach down and smite me. Whew.
This is proof positive in my mind of the non-existence of any sort of deity: godless lesbian enters "holy" building; nothing happens. Ok, so my logic isn't flawless. But! It happened again.
When my grandfather (0ther side of the family) died recently, I not only attended the service - in a church, mind you - I *read* there. At the alter. From the bible (the least offensive of the readings from which I was told I could choose, which pissed off my best cousin, because she got left with crappy, sexist ones). And, again, the (non) miracle occurred - no fire nor brimstone rained down on me, the church still stood after my reading - with my atheist father in the building, too, so you know it *could* have been bad. Since there were two of us among the faithful - double smiting.
Anyway. That was all a roundabout way to say that when I went to church with my grandmother that once, there were many readings from - gasp - the bible. And you know? When god speaks to you, as he spoke to all those guys in the Old Testament - Moses and them - he will say, for example, "Moses?" or for another example, "Starrhill Girl?" And the correct response, as I learned that day with my grandmother, is "here I am." Because clearly, god's Old Testament omniscience didn't extend to actually *seeing* where his people were.

So here I am. Not blogging much because I am going to be writing conference reports for my parent-teacher conferences next week.

Here are the bird questions:

1. Why would a collection (collective?) of birds hang out around a nest from last spring?
2. Should I leave said nest where is it so that said birds can do whatever it is they might be needing to do there?
3. Or, should I take prune down the butterfly bush which holds said nest as planned? That motherfucker is big, yo. The bush, not the nest.

CD 19, 4dpo. Hang tight, y'all, the crazy last week of the 2ww wait is about to start.

not real

This will not be a real post. Even though it may look like one.

I am going to see these folks tonight with the KP, so I'll be "busy." Not like that. God. You are dirty. I know what you're thinking.

Anyway.

While I am away, read up on birds. I have some questions.

little more than links

Y'all know I love a good online quiz. Or, at least, you do now.

There's this one, from Cali (I'll do anything she does):

	1.	Theoretical Ideal Candidate (100%)
	2.	Dennis Kucinich (91%) Information link
	3.	Alan Augustson (campaign suspended) (87%) Information link
	4.	Barack Obama (80%) Information link
	5.	Joseph Biden (73%) Information link
	6.	Christopher Dodd (70%) Information link
	7.	Hillary Clinton (70%) Information link
	8.	Mike Gravel (68%) Information link
	9.	Wesley Clark (not running, endorsed Clinton) (67%) Information link
	10.	John Edwards (66%) Information link
	11.	Al Gore (not announced) (63%) Information link
	12.	Michael Bloomberg (says he will not run) (62%) Information link
	13.	Bill Richardson (54%) Information link
	14.	Elaine Brown (51%) Information link
	15.	Kent McManigal (campaign suspended) (48%) Information link
	16.	Ron Paul (43%) Information link
	17.	Rudolph Giuliani (29%) Information link
	18.	Mike Huckabee (28%) Information link
	19.	Alan Keyes (22%) Information link
	20.	Tommy Thompson (withdrawn, endorsed Giuliani) (22%) Information link
	21.	Mitt Romney (19%) Information link
	22.	John McCain (17%) Information link
	23.	Sam Brownback (withdrawn) (14%) Information link
	24.	Newt Gingrich (says he will not run) (14%) Information link
	25.	Chuck Hagel (not running) (12%) Information link
	26.	Tom Tancredo (9%) Information link
	27.	Fred Thompson (8%) Information link
	28.	Duncan Hunter (7%) Information link
	29.	Jim Gilmore (withdrawn) (5%) Information link
	30.	Stephen Colbert (campaign ended) (3%) Information link

Speaking of candidates, I went to vote today (yay! voting!) at the school across from my house. It's a pretty amazing place to vote; the majority of the election officers are older black women - say, 50 or 60 plus - and you can see the pride and sense of duty they have over it all. Voting is not something to take for granted. Democracy (such as it is here) is *not* a spectator sport, y'all. These women, down at the polling place, silently tell me to keep that in mind.


Moving on to religion, there's this one, that I found (and took, of course):

1.	Secular Humanism (100%) See selected books about Secular Humanism. Click here for info
2.	Unitarian Universalism (97%) See selected books about Unitarian Universalism. Click here for info
3.	Theravada Buddhism (90%) See selected books about Theravada Buddhism. Click here for info
4.	Liberal Quakers (83%) See selected books about Liberal Quakers. Click here for info
5.	Neo-Pagan (77%) See selected books about Neo-Pagan. Click here for info
6.	Non-theist (73%) See selected books about Non-theist. Click here for info
7.	Taoism (63%) See selected books about Taoism. Click here for info
8.	Mahayana Buddhism (60%) See selected books about Mahayana Buddhism. Click here for info
9.	Mainline - Liberal Christian Protestants (55%) See selected books about Mainline - Liberal Christian Protestants. Click here for info
10.	Jainism (55%) See selected books about Jainism. Click here for info
11.	New Age (55%) See selected books about New Age. Click here for info
12.	Orthodox Quaker (50%) See selected books about Orthodox Quaker. Click here for info
13.	Reform Judaism (42%) See selected books about Reform Judaism. Click here for info
14.	Hinduism (41%) See selected books about Hinduism. Click here for info
15.	Sikhism (39%) See selected books about Sikhism. Click here for info
16.	Bahai (38%) See selected books about Bahai. Click here for info
17.	New Thought (29%) See selected books about New Thought. Click here for info
18.	Seventh Day Adventist (29%) See selected books about Seventh Day Adventist. Click here for info
19.	Scientology (25%) See selected books about Scientology. Click here for info
20.	Orthodox Judaism (23%) See selected books about Orthodox Judaism. Click here for info
21.	Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (19%) See selected books about Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons). Click here for info
22.	Eastern Orthodox (17%) See selected books about Eastern Orthodox. Click here for info
23.	Islam (17%) See selected books about Islam. Click here for info
24.	Roman Catholic (17%) See selected books about Roman Catholic. Click here for info
25.	Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (16%) See selected books about Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist). Click here for info
26.	Mainline - Conservative Christian Protestant (15%) See selected books about Mainline - Conservative Christian Protestant. Click here for info
27.	Jehovah's Witness (13%) See selected books about Jehovah's Witness. Click here for info

Cracks about me being 55% New Age maybe made in the comments.

In other news, good old FF confirmed ovulation for Saturday, with their usual wussy-commitment-phobe dotted lines. I am leaning toward pinning ovulation sometime late Saturday night/early Sunday morning. Which lines up nicely with my insems (thank you, New "Can't Beat Them With Sticks" Donors.). So now we wait. That's CD 17, 3 DPO, for those of you playing along at home.

My ass is kicked by this cold. Kicked, I tell you.