fertility hennaz finished

The picture in the past post was the before pic - before I got taped up and went to bed, before I picked all the dried henna bits off.


This is the after, how it will look for a couple weeks. It may get darker.

The kitchen in the background is totally reversed - the colander should be on the other side. Photobooth (hence dark picture) is so weird.

Now, if y'all will excuse me, I'm done with NaBloBlahNannyBooBoo and I'm going to go make some popcorn and get my self pregnant.

fertility hennaz

Camera phone pic, hence the fuzz.
Thanks, cho-girl.

millionth time's the charm

Because we have been Very Busy working on quantum mechanics in my class, I have not yet taught my children how to write their names*. Hence, cho-girl had to sigh for the sp*rm at school today. She was soooo 'cited! It's been a looonnng time since the FedEx man has come to school with a styrofoam box for me - over 2 years, which you'd know if you'd done your homework.

I've opted to use my good old Keeper this go round, not the Instead cup, as I am better at getting Teh Keeper in my hoo-ha. Plus, I have to run off to the theater for Large Fabric Instalations R Us (aka curtain making), so there is no time for a nice legs-in-the-air lie down this afternoon. Sophie is here so I'll also be forgoing the un-required but helpful "activity" that usually accompanies an insem.

Keep your hands and arms inside the car, kids, it's CD 12 with a high on the monitor, but negative opk, perfect CM and an afternoon insem.



*What we're really working on is how not to pick your friend's nose at circle time. No, actually, we're working on how to not be so annoying that your teacher's head explodes. No, really this time, we're working on Independence and Peace.

tired yet?

Yes, I am . Blogging everyday is Teh Hard, y'all.

What do you want to hear about?

• How fab yesterday's soup was? (Fab.)
• What old Clear Blue told me this morning? (Another high reading - my estrogen's rising.)
• What I'm going to do about those 2 high readings? (Get pregnant tomorrow and Friday, instead of Friday and Saturday.)
• Why am I listening to a tiny machine that doesn't always communicate so well? (Because my CM is all sparkley and eggy, and when my cervix and old Clear Blue agree, the time to move is now)
• Who I'm chatting with right now? (Chicory.)
• Who I'll be teaching with tomorrow? (cho-girl - woo and hoo!)
• What I'll be bring to school tomorrow, just to make her day? (Teh Coffeez.)
• How many days of NaBloPoMo are left? (Two. That's 2.)
  
• Who loves you the best? (Me.)

The FedEx man comes tomorrow. Fasten your seat belts, kids, it's CD 11.

mulitfaceted

I just had a very schizophrenic time on ichat, talking about sex parties with one friend, child development (and sex parties) with another and then Sophie, my pretend child, showed up on-line, too. Thank you Jesus for making sure it was not a group chat.

I was, as Sophie put it, multitasking, as I was also making dinner. There's been precious little time to go to the grocery store since I got back from The Trip I Will Pine For Forever, and so I broke into the summer vegetable stash* in the freezer. Tomatoes, broccoli, yellow squash, chicken broth and basil from the freezer, with lentils and quinoa, Super Grain of the Future, and berbere from the "pantry." I just added some Bragg's and a smidge of vinegar. We'll see.

Interestingly, Sophie comes across on IM as something of an adult. I'd like to take credit for her good sense of sarcasm, but I can't. It's all her.

Website of the day: FreeRice. Get smart and feed the world. Courtesy of my mama, so you know it's good.

Today was a Dr. Accu day. I do love him. He got rid of my day-long headache, as well as doing his usual thing - needles and a brief but great shoulder rub. I've got 3 more days of follicular-phase herbs and then it's on to the ovulation herbs.

Woo and hoo, it's CD 10, y'all! I got a high on old Clear Blue this morning (WTF? There were/are NO other estrogen signs. Stupid monitor. I give it pee, just like it asks for, and all I get from it is ambiguity. This is no way to build a relationship.), and my donors are set to go.



*for the sake of accuracy: I didn't use any of the foods pictured in that link, but you get the idea. I will totally throw you a picture of my freezer, soon because I know you care.

still the smallest town in the world

Is it wrong that I want to go back to my life of Riley in Boston? I am detoxing hard, y'all. It was so great. I got *fed*. People never feed me; I always feed them. R and I were sitting on the couch, reading, on Thursday and there was the smell of onions and olive oil coming from the kitchen and J and the Boston girl made soup. It was so weird and great to smell food and have nothing to do with its production. Okay, so I did cut up the onion, but then I sat on my ass on the couch, aka my bed, and read. R and I looked at each other, wide-eyed with wonder - food! For us! Wow.

In other, fascinating Boston news, I ran into a friend from here in Virginia while I was up there in Massachusetts. Randomly ran into her in a bar (after our amazing hot tub experience). We walked into said bar near the Boston kids' house and stood in the doorway, scoping the scene for a minute, and suddenly, like a flash of joy, my old friend M was standing with her arm around me. She is the original mama of the Cat Not Yet Pictured on Caved (the bad cat, if you must know). I'd emailed her before I went up there, but she was slammed with family and guest dogs and so didn't get back to me until Saturday. I figured I'd missed her, as I already had plans for that night (Teh Hot Tub), but no! There she was in the bar, smiling her same smile. Icing on a cake of a trip.

Here is one of my ever-astute observations from this trip. Folks in Boston don't say "hey" to you the way folks in Virginia do. You know how it is: you're walking down the street and you see somebody coming towards you and so you make eye contact, you nod, or say "hey," or "how're you," or *something*. And you keep walking. But in Boston, no dice. I kept readying myself for the greeting-in-passing, but I never got any eye contact! Folks were nice, but no "hey," no nodding, nothing. Weird, huh?

On the other side of the spectrum, Boston girl and I went to the North End to see the sites and went looking for something to eat. We stopped in front of Dolce Vita and while looking over the menu, a short, fat, cute, clearly Italian old man came out and declaimed the virtues of "his" restaurant. "You vegetarian?" he asked? Well, the Special Antipasto! So good! And for me, the omnivore, well, there's veal, or chicken! Not so much on the quantity, but the quality! So good! We were sold; he was so cute! Once inside, he snapped his fingers and said, "2 here!" to nobody in particular, and toddled off. We didn't see him again.

Do you think I'll be able to write about anything else ever?

*sigh*

Back to the real world.

Here I am chez Starr Hill, lured back to central Virginia by LB's talk of twisted naked tree branches. It *is* nice to be home. But, wow, it sure was hard to leave.

R and J and I left Teh Frozen North around 7 am and I got back here to Starr Hill just before 8 pm. 13 hours, which included a visit to the other DC lesbians. Not bad. Particularly when you take into account that I had to drive from R and J's in Capitol Hill up to Brookland to see said other DC lesbians and then get myself all the way over to 66 to get home. Up and across DC all by my tiny self. And I did not get lost or scared. Ahem. Yay me! Leave congratulations in the comments, please.


Time for some nasty chinese herbs. It's CD 8, kids, CD 8.

just like heaven would be, only more parenthesis and more Capital Letters

It's fucking great here, y'all. Except for the antarctic temperatures, I mean. So great. I might not come home. I am sure the cats can follow my scent up 95 and find me here on the Boston kids' couch (where I've been for the past 12 hours, minus getting up for blueberry pancakes).

In those 12 hours, I've slept; had crazy dreams, including one that foretells the outcome of the coming election (looks bad, y'all, real bad); finished Cavedweller (how the fuck did I forget about Dorothy Allison?); lounged and lounged some more. Now I'm here with the Boston Boy, reading and writing on the couch, aka my bed, while the Boston Girl showers. She says she'll take me to the waterfront and, no, that is not a euphemism, but it should be. The DC girls, R and J, left us for some Alone Time with Somebody Else. (I see your Alone Time, Somebody Else and I raise you 12 hours in the car with R and J tomorrow! I'm the winner!) There was much weeping and gnashing of teeth at their departure. We heart them. We do. I speak for All of Us.

While in the Frozen North here I have:

1. taken public transportation, my bbf
2. talked about anything and everything with folks who are very smart
3. saw J make the funniest face *ever* (EVER) when a squirrel ate out of her hand
   
4. laughed a bunch over stupid shit
5. eaten Indian food
6. formed Teh Wonder Triplets with Boston Girl and R
   
7. had my back scratched twice
8. lounged
   
9. thought about ttc in ways that were not obsessive, nor were they stressful (yay)
10. watched one bad movie and part of a good movie
11. read a very, very good book (see above)
12. lounged again
13. saw fabulous and amazing works in progress and was so proud and impressed to see my friend doing work she loves
14. lounged more

Vacations like this feel like stolen time. Like I'm getting something for nothing. As if I'm existing for a moment in a world that doesn't quite exist.

Serious, y'all. I might not come home. Send some clean socks, underpants and warmer weather with the cats.

You're been wondering how things are here in Boston, aka The Frozen North, haven't you? Well, they are great. Except for the fact that the 70º weather is gone and it really is frozen as well as north now.

So I went to DC on Wednesday, to hook up with R and J (Not like that! Lord, y'all. They are hot though....) and in classic lesbian fashion, they were both at home with their 2.5 cats and the Indigo Girls playing in the background. Okay, actually there were only 2 cats.

Anyway. We drove to stay that night with a friend of theirs outside Philly. There was an amazingly cute cat there (although it was not a House O' Lesbians) who has a problem using his litter box consistently. He also has no claws. Hmmmm...... Please don't de-claw your cats. We got up before 6, much to J's chagrin, so as to miss as much traffic as possible and also so as to spend as much time as possible with the fab Boston kids.

We stopped for coffee at a Dunkin' Donuts just after leaving the house of the cat with no claws and got assaulted by the American Appetite. R and I just got coffee (pre-dawn is way to early for things as sweet as donuts) but J wanted one donut "ball" (should we tell her the common name is donut hole?). The poor woman behind the counter could not even understand this. 5 for $1.99! she kept saying. But I only want one, poor J would explain. Again. And again. Finally she patiently explained that 5 would give her diarrhea, to which the woman behind the counter said again, 5 for $1.99! So she took the 5 (I'll not bore you with the story of what happened at the rest stop a couple hours later). Then the long-suffering woman behind the counter asked, are you two together? and J smacked R's ass in reply. Really, I think the Dunkin' Donuts woman was asking about their donut ball/coffee payment plan, but - hey, what's a little ass smacking at 6 am?

Because no vacation is complete without an educational component, we drove through Valley Forge, looking for bloody footprints left by long dead soldiers in the snow. We were several years too late, plus no snow. The rest of the drive was flawless - pretty and clear, full of good company and naps. We made it to Boston in less than 6 hours. Over the Tappan Zee and north up 95.

And when we got here, there was love all around: food to be made and drinks to be had, books for reading and bad movies for watching, sitting around to be done and back scratching and music and talking and pie. Which I am now having for breakfast.

Mmmmm..... pie.....

I am thankful for pie. And for my friends.

not failing

Nope. Not me. But just barely, y'all.
It was close to 70º today, even in the frozen north.
There's been a great deal of food and fancy drinks here in Boston and it's nearly time for bed.
I'm kicking your ass, NaBloPoMo, with my tiny, tiny posts.

congratulations

I can drive in strange cities and not get lost once. At least, this time I can. Good job, me.
Also, Virginia is the prettiest. Oh, yes it is.

pre-drive randomness

*the directions into DC for the first leg of this trip *look* easy. Cross your fingers. I hate being lost.

*I am not taking old Clear Blue with me to Boston; there's no need to POAS until CD 9 at least and so I think I'm safe leaving her behind. Poor Clear Blue, I like to make her suffer without my company.

*the call to the RE was fruitless. Sort of. The woman who schedules for him was off today, not to return until Monday, so I'll be able to make an appointment. What? I didn't tell you I'm ramping it up a notch? Life's short. Use Western Medicine.

*My donors, who you can't beat with a stick, are so on top of things, one of them is emailing me about next cycle! They win!

*it's 70º here.

*I need to get off the computer and on the road.

and again with the cat pictures

Does this count for NaBloPoMo? Let's hope so. I'd hate to let y'all down.

NaBloPoblahblahblah

How many more days of this?

My black cat has forsaken me. She is cheating on me with my current new and temporary roommate. She loves him. She never likes anybody, except for this guy and that was years ago. I'd be jealous, but that's not how I roll.

Also, I washed my hair today.

It's pretty exciting over here in Starr Hill.

done and done

Nothing like a little Shakespeare* to bring on some blood.

Here's to next cycle. Salut, as my grandpa used to say.

CD 1.

*N.B. the homo-erotic imagery at the top of this link - wtf?

obsessing

And you thought I was over this cycle already. Hahahaha. Joke's on you! I'm not.

It's cd 29, 15 dpo and my temp is up. A little bit - 2/10 of a degree. Yeah, I know, I know, one temp means nothing, it's all about getting the big picture, blah, blah, blah. But I've never had a luteal phase temp go up after it starts to go down (other than this cycle's pretty, possible, implantation dip - you know you want to see my chart - which is a different story).

Lord.

this is what happened to me today

(so if I knew better what I was doing with this blogging shit you'd be able to see something interesting here, as it is, you have to click - boo)


But not sad! And not involving a restaurant. Bu yay, free cake! Ok, also, no cake, but Olive(s) which I like better anyway. So don't worry, y'all.

let's pretend

Let's pretend this is a food blog, not a ttc blog. 'K?

The glut of summer produce is over. At least for me. Because it is fall and because my CSA ended weeks and weeks ago in Spetember. I really am not sure why it ended so early - it's gone well into October previous years. I'm also not so sure what I think about staying with the farm next year. There were several people who'd worked there for a couple seasons who "left" last spring and I've heard varying reports as to why. From the rather innocuous "new management" explanation, to the rather troubling (or at least head-scratch inducing) allegations of stealing directed at the folks who "left" (the leaving, which could and has been described as firing, happened over a scattered amount of time). So I am torn. I don't want to take part in something where the folks who work there are treated less than well, but I do have a tie to this farm now, to the land itself and the view from the barn looking north past the house towards the woods.

I've broken into my stash of frozen goods and, really, frozen broccoli? Not as good a fresh, even when you've frozen it yourself. I don't know why this came as a surprise.

Recipes For Trouble has a good post up about making meals - for yourself, for other folks. In your home, what do you do about meals? Sit down at the table? Stand up at the sink? (Of course you do this in the summer with peaches, leaning over to keep the drips off your shirt, there's no other option - oh, summer..... I miss you already.) Who do you cook for and does it "mean" something when you do? Who cooks for you? I tend to eat sitting down, at the table, more out of habit than anything. I do make meals for myself; I love to cook. But I'd rather you show up around dinnertime and help me eat. Except sometimes it is nice to read the comics with dinner if I missed them at breakfast.

Also, the Flavor of the Week? Browned butter on popcorn. You'll love it. Almost as much as I love you.

zero times anything is.....?

Unless my temp spikes to somewhere north of 98º tomorrow in the pre-dawn hours, I'm out. And yes, I tested twice today. Ha. And wtf?

I will not be brought down by the starkness of your empty expanse of white pee-stick, oh internet cheapie. I will not. I'm not testing again. My temp will rise or fall as it wants, my prometrium will run out and I will bust out the Keeper™ and the bottle of Maker's Mark Ingrid left here when I start bleeding tomorrow or the next day. And I'll hop back up on the god-damned horse next cycle. Because what have I got if not hope?

Well, since you ask, I've clearly got all of y'all in addition to hope. All you IVP-ers (hmmm... that sounds not so good....) and my IRL kids - y'all are the best thing going, as has been said before.

So I got the OS X upgrade today (thank you) and I am doing the big back up before installing it. Which means my machine is tied to my desk in the cold, cold living room, and so NaBloPoMo can bite me for today, because I want to go sit by the fire and this back-up is taking for-fucking-ever.

Really, I am surprisingly cheerful for a girl about to crash and burn again. Maybe I am getting used to it? Weird. I mean, honestly, I feel pretty okay. Not even like amping up to not okay. Mysterious.

cycle day what?

Don't my million post for yesterday count for today? No? Crap. This blogging everyday is hard.

I'm really buying into this "test early and often" thing. It seems to lessen the blow. Deal with the massive and horrifying disappointment in manageable daily chunks. One stark white pee-stick after another. Yeah. That's a plan. I'm sure this will prevent the hollow feeling in my gut as I drop into the beginning of yet another cycle sometime this weekend. Oh, don't worry, loyal and loving reader(s), I'll keep testing; the obsessors would have my ass otherwise.

CD 26, 12 dpo. HPT as negative as they come. *sigh*

how about I post a million times today?

*sigh*
We (that is y'all and me) have reached the Bad Part of the 2ww. The part where I look at cloth diapers on the internets and feel stupidly hopeful and horribly pessimistic at the same time.

My most interesting and bullshit pseudo-symptom to date: accidentally biting the inside of my lower lip forty-eleven times today. This Means Something, you know. Fluid-retention? Increased blood-volume? Random nothing?

For distraction, I am going to see music tonight. If I can get out from under the computer.

gratuitous tree porn

For Cali, in celebration:

(with gratuitous pre-teens at no extra cost)

all the kids are doing it

Just a minute ago, Sophie, my pretend child, walked out the door. By herself, heading home. Now, I'm sure some of you are saying, "Hell, the girl's almost 12 - why is this blog-worthy?" (And I am quite sure some of you are also asking "why is this blog worthy?" And I say, "worthy of what?") But she's not ever walked quite that far alone (and really, she's not going all the way home, her mama is meeting her part way). It's not really so far - 5 long blocks - but the train tracks run diagonally between our neighborhoods and there's a construction site for a big, stupidly overpriced set of condos she has to walk around. The child has been blessed (I'm sure it feels like cursed to her sometimes) with a bounty of adults to parent her. Even though her mama works full time, she's never really had to do much by the way of spending time without an adult she trusts within shouting distance. There's her mom, and her step dad (who would do pretty much anything she wanted) and her dad and her step mom and me. So there's a lot of us. And she gets scared of things pretty easily. I am only slightly embarrassed to admit I secretly followed her part way. Not far! Really! I just walked around the corner, so I could see her when she got to the top of the hill where the construction is. She looked so tiny from that far away, with her giant backpack and her fiddle in one hand. Apparently, she made. I just called to be sure. Quit laughing.

In other news, I finally got it together to remember not only to take my camera to school, but to *use* it.






Thanks for the buckle frame, cho-girl.

killing time

I wish I could figure out how to make this actually show up here, but since I can't you'll have to click on it.

survey says....

Should I test tonight?
It's CD 24, 10 DPO. The earliest any hcg might show up. I'm working with internet cheapies if you're one of the folks who knows what that means.
Weigh in, please?

stealing time from work

Heeheeeee! I am blogging at work! Crazy. Of course, there is no wireless reception, so I won't be able to publish until I get home. I heart conferences. Such a easy day.

Dean Spade, and his friend Colby Lenz, have some interesting things to say about cell phones (there was also a good piece on makezine). I am particularly interested in the idea of luxury goods that become needs. He points out, correctly I think, that we lived our lives without cellphone not so very long ago and now they are as common as flies on shit. While the subject of the article reads as phones, the main point seems to be thinking. That is, think before you do things, buy things, believe things. I am a fan of thinking.

traveling girl

(with apologies to GS for sort of stealing her title)

Ask me about my Thanksgiving plans. Go ahead, ask.

Since you're dying to know, I am going to Boston, to see my very own Blue Rose Girl. Hooray! I'm so 'cited!

Travel's a funny thing, you know. Time was, I hated it. Usually, it involved going to LA, which was fraught with angst for me in sort of lame and stupid ways. Plus - leaving the house? Sucks. But then I had to go away to get my Montessori training, and while that was long and hard (the away from home part, not the work part), it was something of a turning point.

The training center was in Westchester, and because the cafeteria of the college the Montessori folks use was closed on the weekends* I would hop the 4 o'clock train into NYC on Fridays, because a weekend without food is not for me. Note the casual way I throw that phrase around "I would hop the 4 o'clock train into NYC" - ha. It was initially nerve-wracking. But I had a friend who would meet me at Grand Central every Friday afternoon and she gave such clear and simple directions that it all turned out to be easy.

So I spent my weekends that summer in the city, after a lifetime of barely venturing outside my door. Being somewhere unfamiliar was terrifying to me. But this friend, she made sure I knew where I was, all the time. We'd come up out of the subway and she'd stop and grill me. "How would you get back to my house from here?" she'd say "Which train? Which stop?" And soon enough I felt like I could figure out how to get anywhere. She let me treat her home like my home (as did a couple other people that summer - the summer that was so hot one weekend all another friend and I could do was lie around in our underwear watching cooking shows until it got dark) and made sure I knew how to get there. It was almost like not leaving the house. But with better restaurants.

The other You'll Grow To Love Travel circumstance was having a long-distance girlfriend. I pretty much had to get over my dislike for travel if I wanted to "see" her, because she couldn't stay in one place for longer than a minute. (And then, when she did, she broke up with me.)

So here I am today, all excited about going to Boston. Somewhere I've never been! And I'm not freaking out! Just excited!

Okay, I am freaking out a little about driving to DC which I have to do in order to hook up with the girls who are taking me to Boston. Driving in unfamiliar places is the final frontier.



*Ok, so what the fuck was up with that? There were un-air conditioned, 3-story dorms full of sweaty Montessori teachers-to-be and there was no food on the weekends? Even though we had paid some ridiculous amount of money for the board part of room and board? And the cafeteria sucked anyway. Don't try and go live in a dorm for the first time at age 28, F yer I. Oh, and the lack of AC? Usually not a problem for me - I don't have it at home now - but we were on the 3rd floor of this building and it was fucking hot. That summer there was a heat wave and drought up and down the east coast - yeah, *that* summer - that's what I'm talking about here.

124 sounds fucking great to me

It has been a red letter day, y'all.

Conferences were a breeze, and it was kind of nice to have a morning without children. I kind of missed them when I got back to the classroom. There are no real "issues" with any of the kids, so it's fun to sit around with their parents and talk about how great they are.

My most recent long-term old roommate stopped by to get some mail that had come for him. He hung out for popcorms and comics. When he left, I was richer by one mixed cd, 1 aisan pear and 2 persimmons. A bunch of my favorite fruits.....mmm....

Sophie's mama showed up and announced that it was a night for Teh Diner. And all the Meads were there. Yes, Hard Girl, all the Meads. You'd be amazed at the size of those girls. Amazed. And my cheeseburger? Kicked some cheeseburger ass. It is amazing how much more I can eat when I'm not drinking a beer with dinner. Go figure.

Also, Sophie ate three ice cream cones and popcorn and cheese sticks after ArtQuest today. Lord.

I'm a boring blogger these days. But aren't you excited about my asian pear?

pass me the torch, please

Pro.cras.ti.na'tion
Did you think I was done with those reports for my parent teacher conferences? Haha! Fooled you. I'm working on them right now. I swear.

Meanwhile, I'm cruising craigslist, because you know, the right temporary roommate could be out there right now, waiting for my house.

6:55 pm - three done, three to go. Oh, come on. Did you think I was going to do the ones for Tuesday tonight? Please. Time for dinner.

Here I am! Why does blogger use the time one started a post as the time it was posted? You'd think it would make sense to time-stamp it with the time it was published. Ok, 3 more reports.

9:30, reports written, dishes washed, laundry hung to dry by the stove. Check, check and check. I am turning into my mother. There are worse things.

Today, I went to Richmond with my long-suffering parents, to help my great-aunt move from one apartment to another, smaller apartment. I now want to be sure to set fire to my house just before I die, so that no one will ever have to look through my highly unorganized desk and deside if the random scribbled note from Sophie about going outside to play is worth saving or should be given away or thrown away. Oh, and how about the broken rice cooker? Nobody but me needs to deal with that. Why do we hang on to so much crap? Fear of death? I'm here to tell you that fear of death is going to make me clean out all the useless shit from my house. Someday.

(Except for the couple few things I brought from my great-aunt's house today, like the cool knife that straps to one's belt. And the 2-part cast iron pan. And the wire-mesh sieve.)

down to the wire

Will you look at the time.
I've only got 1 and 1/2 hours in which to blog, or I fail NaBloPoMo. Fail.
Thank you, Jesus, for giving me a nice list of thing I did today to bore my reader with. All one of you.
In chronological order:

*woke up, temped (as in took my temperature, not as in short-term work - I don't have the correct skill set for that)

*got out of bed and went downstairs, spent way too much time on the computer checking in on y'all, and drank some nasty Chinese herbs (which are starting to taste good - the luteal phase ones at least; this Means Something, I'm sure) while reviving the fire (not a euphemism)

*made a million phone calls to organize my day

*went downtown to see cho-girl's stand at the market, bought the really and truly last bit of farmer's market style produce from the adorable Waterpenny kids, after bringing cho-girl a cup of coffee

*picked up some very cute baby things for the New Baby of the Valley, also some toilet paper and new twinkle lights

*came home and opted to skip Sophie's soccer game in order to mop the floors downstairs because they were disgusting, I tell you (ahem, did I mention she's first chair for violin?)

*made boiled custard from my great-grandma's recipe to take to the New Mother in the Valley, as it is my opinion that custard (the nice warm kind you drink) is perfect food for new nursing mothers; plus fun to make

*handled a leaf delivery from Kaity, true owner of my fig tree - why, you ask do I need leaves delivered in the fall? Because none of mine have fallen yet and I was told by the goatcheese man at the market to cover up my new and tender fig tree for the winter - and gave a her a smidge of custard (see above)

*drove to the Valley to hang with the Valley kids

*came home, realized I was close to failing Noblo-whatsiz-hoosie, because today was almost over and I had yet to post.

*wrote this crappy list


CD 21, 7 dpo, 7 days until my "best" friend, FF, says I can test. Ha.

There've been some very good blog posts today about the costs of infertility - ah, Bri at Unwellness and J from Cheese and Whine and somerandomchic, are the ones I've seen, if y'all haven't read them. Apparently, it's National Infertility Awareness Week.

I am not sure I'd call myself infertile yet, in large part because I think I've had it easier than so many and I'd hate to equate my admittedly hard experience with the utter hell some folks have gone through/are going though. But maybe I should? I certainly identify with people who are going through infertility treatments. In ways I never, ever thought I would. Like nasty and bitter about folks who get pregnant "right away"? Yeah. I could taste the nastiness in the back of my throat when this woman I know would wear her "Baby On Board!" maternity t-shirt (in my defense, it was very, very ugly, too). Poor girl. She had no idea that her happy, happy pregnancy was such a daily assault to my sanity. Aye. I didn't think I was capable of such feelings.

So costs.....? I don't think I have record on hand - I'd have to go dig up the old visa bills, and we all know that's a pain in the ass, so I'll guess.

Summer/September 2005
co-pay for nurse practitioner's appointment to get all spermbank paperwork done - $25
donor profiles - $15
first sperm shipment, dry ice - ~$635
November 2005
another sperm shipment, nitrogen tank - ~$755
May 2006
another sperm shipment, nitrogen tanks - ~$755
June 2006
another sperm shipment, nitrogen tanks - ~$635
July 2006
another sperm shipment, nitrogen tanks - ~$755
September 2006
another sperm shipment, nitrogen tanks - ~$755
October 2006
another sperm shipment, nitrogen tanks - ~$755 (this is getting pretty repetitive.....)
February 2007
lawyer's fees for consult on known donor contract - $200
March 2007
every std test known to man or woman for KD and his boyfriend, plus semen analysis for KD - ~$100-150 (really not bad, the BF has great insurance and the KD used student health as much as he could)
April 2007
token of appreciation to KD for jar o' sperm - $50/hit, so $150
May 2007
token of appreciation to KD for jar o' sperm - $50/hit, so $150
June 2007
token of appreciation to KD for jar o' sperm - $50/hit, so $150
July 2007
token of appreciation to KD for jar o' sperm - $50/hit, so $200
co-pay for nurse-practitioner's visit - $25
prometrium - ~$30
August 2007
token of appreciation to KD for jar o' sperm - $50/hit, so $100
prometrium - ~$30
September 2007
token of appreciation to KD for jar o' sperm - $50/hit, so $150, still unpaid because he feels bad about taking it when he can't give me a straight answer about if he'll still be my donor, so nothing
November 2007
biotranz kits x2 for the New "Can't Beat Them With Sticks" Donors (who have not sent me the bill for shipping, as they were asked to do *ahem*)- $137
prometrium - ~$30

That's $5682. If I did the math right. Don't check. Jesus, y'all.

This does not count all the opks, the home pregnancy test, old Clear Blue and her test sticks, the fertility herbs, the acupuncture, the pre-natals, the baby aspirin, the robitussin, the syringes, the instead cups, et cetera, because a) that number is painful enough and b) so many of those things were given to me.

Nor does "cost" cover the misery, the isolation, the convoluted figuring about who to tell and who not to tell, the weeping, the lost-but-not-forgotten sex drive, the giving up of almost everything else in my life, the bitterness, the *want* for a baby that has burned right through my skin and left it raw and bleeding.

And I've had it easy, y'all. Easy. I don't have any dead babies to my name. I don't have horror stories of doctor's visits gone awry. There's no relationship to try to take care of in this process, no other person's feelings to worry about. My isolation is lessened by the ever dear IVP and by a couple of in real life friends in particular - one's who gone through it all herself and not only lived to tell the tale but has a baby to boot, and another who somehow gets it, though she's not ever tried to conceive herself (I'd nominate her as an honorary member of the IVP, but I'm not sure I'd want to wish that on anyone). While 2 years seems like an eternity, that's nothing compared to some. Nothing.

And the money? While it's a lot, a whole lot, it is also nothing compared to some. It is manageable. Frustrating, but manageable.

And will it be worth it? How can you even ask? Worth what, I'd like to know.


If you're reading this (you are reading this, aren't you?) and you identify as infertile, at what point did you start to use that term? If you don't, but you're trying to get knocked up, why don't you?

she's the one

Who is the best and the brightest? The small but sometimes surly light of my life? Yes, the answer is Sophie, my pretend child.

She found out today that she and one of her best friends (a very, very nice girl who is welcome at my house anytime, unlike some other friends) are sharing first chair for violin. Which means she is the best (or rather one of the two best) in the school, which is made up of all the 5th and 6th graders in the whole city. Did you hear me say "whole city"?

"Are you so proud of me?" as one of my children at school asked today when she showed me her sweater she'd buttoned all by herself.

Yes.

Yes, I am so, so proud. So much so I could nearly burst. But not quite so proud as Sophie herself seems, which is as it should be.

fooled you

Who are we kidding? I'm not going work on conference reports tonight. I'm going to read and go to bed.

here i am

Once, a couple years ago, in a fit of good-granddaughter-ness, I went to church. With my grandmother, who was very, very happy to have me there. See, for her, church is all those good things it is supposed to be: full of people who love you and songs about god. She was excited to introduce me to all her people there, and I was equally excited to hear how much they all love her. So, it was good to go. And? No hell-fire when I walked in the building, Neither did the earth open up and swallow me. Nor did the hand of god reach down and smite me. Whew.
This is proof positive in my mind of the non-existence of any sort of deity: godless lesbian enters "holy" building; nothing happens. Ok, so my logic isn't flawless. But! It happened again.
When my grandfather (0ther side of the family) died recently, I not only attended the service - in a church, mind you - I *read* there. At the alter. From the bible (the least offensive of the readings from which I was told I could choose, which pissed off my best cousin, because she got left with crappy, sexist ones). And, again, the (non) miracle occurred - no fire nor brimstone rained down on me, the church still stood after my reading - with my atheist father in the building, too, so you know it *could* have been bad. Since there were two of us among the faithful - double smiting.
Anyway. That was all a roundabout way to say that when I went to church with my grandmother that once, there were many readings from - gasp - the bible. And you know? When god speaks to you, as he spoke to all those guys in the Old Testament - Moses and them - he will say, for example, "Moses?" or for another example, "Starrhill Girl?" And the correct response, as I learned that day with my grandmother, is "here I am." Because clearly, god's Old Testament omniscience didn't extend to actually *seeing* where his people were.

So here I am. Not blogging much because I am going to be writing conference reports for my parent-teacher conferences next week.

Here are the bird questions:

1. Why would a collection (collective?) of birds hang out around a nest from last spring?
2. Should I leave said nest where is it so that said birds can do whatever it is they might be needing to do there?
3. Or, should I take prune down the butterfly bush which holds said nest as planned? That motherfucker is big, yo. The bush, not the nest.

CD 19, 4dpo. Hang tight, y'all, the crazy last week of the 2ww wait is about to start.

not real

This will not be a real post. Even though it may look like one.

I am going to see these folks tonight with the KP, so I'll be "busy." Not like that. God. You are dirty. I know what you're thinking.

Anyway.

While I am away, read up on birds. I have some questions.

little more than links

Y'all know I love a good online quiz. Or, at least, you do now.

There's this one, from Cali (I'll do anything she does):

	1.	Theoretical Ideal Candidate (100%)
	2.	Dennis Kucinich (91%) Information link
	3.	Alan Augustson (campaign suspended) (87%) Information link
	4.	Barack Obama (80%) Information link
	5.	Joseph Biden (73%) Information link
	6.	Christopher Dodd (70%) Information link
	7.	Hillary Clinton (70%) Information link
	8.	Mike Gravel (68%) Information link
	9.	Wesley Clark (not running, endorsed Clinton) (67%) Information link
	10.	John Edwards (66%) Information link
	11.	Al Gore (not announced) (63%) Information link
	12.	Michael Bloomberg (says he will not run) (62%) Information link
	13.	Bill Richardson (54%) Information link
	14.	Elaine Brown (51%) Information link
	15.	Kent McManigal (campaign suspended) (48%) Information link
	16.	Ron Paul (43%) Information link
	17.	Rudolph Giuliani (29%) Information link
	18.	Mike Huckabee (28%) Information link
	19.	Alan Keyes (22%) Information link
	20.	Tommy Thompson (withdrawn, endorsed Giuliani) (22%) Information link
	21.	Mitt Romney (19%) Information link
	22.	John McCain (17%) Information link
	23.	Sam Brownback (withdrawn) (14%) Information link
	24.	Newt Gingrich (says he will not run) (14%) Information link
	25.	Chuck Hagel (not running) (12%) Information link
	26.	Tom Tancredo (9%) Information link
	27.	Fred Thompson (8%) Information link
	28.	Duncan Hunter (7%) Information link
	29.	Jim Gilmore (withdrawn) (5%) Information link
	30.	Stephen Colbert (campaign ended) (3%) Information link

Speaking of candidates, I went to vote today (yay! voting!) at the school across from my house. It's a pretty amazing place to vote; the majority of the election officers are older black women - say, 50 or 60 plus - and you can see the pride and sense of duty they have over it all. Voting is not something to take for granted. Democracy (such as it is here) is *not* a spectator sport, y'all. These women, down at the polling place, silently tell me to keep that in mind.


Moving on to religion, there's this one, that I found (and took, of course):

1.	Secular Humanism (100%) See selected books about Secular Humanism. Click here for info
2.	Unitarian Universalism (97%) See selected books about Unitarian Universalism. Click here for info
3.	Theravada Buddhism (90%) See selected books about Theravada Buddhism. Click here for info
4.	Liberal Quakers (83%) See selected books about Liberal Quakers. Click here for info
5.	Neo-Pagan (77%) See selected books about Neo-Pagan. Click here for info
6.	Non-theist (73%) See selected books about Non-theist. Click here for info
7.	Taoism (63%) See selected books about Taoism. Click here for info
8.	Mahayana Buddhism (60%) See selected books about Mahayana Buddhism. Click here for info
9.	Mainline - Liberal Christian Protestants (55%) See selected books about Mainline - Liberal Christian Protestants. Click here for info
10.	Jainism (55%) See selected books about Jainism. Click here for info
11.	New Age (55%) See selected books about New Age. Click here for info
12.	Orthodox Quaker (50%) See selected books about Orthodox Quaker. Click here for info
13.	Reform Judaism (42%) See selected books about Reform Judaism. Click here for info
14.	Hinduism (41%) See selected books about Hinduism. Click here for info
15.	Sikhism (39%) See selected books about Sikhism. Click here for info
16.	Bahai (38%) See selected books about Bahai. Click here for info
17.	New Thought (29%) See selected books about New Thought. Click here for info
18.	Seventh Day Adventist (29%) See selected books about Seventh Day Adventist. Click here for info
19.	Scientology (25%) See selected books about Scientology. Click here for info
20.	Orthodox Judaism (23%) See selected books about Orthodox Judaism. Click here for info
21.	Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (19%) See selected books about Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons). Click here for info
22.	Eastern Orthodox (17%) See selected books about Eastern Orthodox. Click here for info
23.	Islam (17%) See selected books about Islam. Click here for info
24.	Roman Catholic (17%) See selected books about Roman Catholic. Click here for info
25.	Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (16%) See selected books about Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist). Click here for info
26.	Mainline - Conservative Christian Protestant (15%) See selected books about Mainline - Conservative Christian Protestant. Click here for info
27.	Jehovah's Witness (13%) See selected books about Jehovah's Witness. Click here for info

Cracks about me being 55% New Age maybe made in the comments.

In other news, good old FF confirmed ovulation for Saturday, with their usual wussy-commitment-phobe dotted lines. I am leaning toward pinning ovulation sometime late Saturday night/early Sunday morning. Which lines up nicely with my insems (thank you, New "Can't Beat Them With Sticks" Donors.). So now we wait. That's CD 17, 3 DPO, for those of you playing along at home.

My ass is kicked by this cold. Kicked, I tell you.